Mechanic: Resurrection

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When you want someone dead but want to make it look like an accident or suicide, you call the Mechanic. Well…you don’t actually call him, you place an ad in a specific newspaper for a mechanic and then, HE calls you. It’s all encrypted and discreet, so don’t worry. For more details, see the prequel to this film, titled The Mechanic. That film doesn’t explain though why they choose the profession of mechanic as the code word. Why not a plumber? Or carpenter, electrician, pizza boy etc? Or even a Systems Analyst at a global Fortune 500 company?? What?! I can kill people if I wanted to. In fact, I am quite well known to have bored a lot of people to death! If you don’t believe me, read other posts in this blog to confirm!

Anyway, our Mechanic felt like his career was stagnating, mostly because people were trying to kill him now and so he decided to abscond, literally…by faking his own death. He faked his death and went off to live a quiet life in Rio de Janeiro of all places! You know, the same Rio where the Olympics will be held, the events of Fast Five took place and more importantly, the same Rio of the Rio Carnival fame!! Not exactly a quiet town, is it?

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This pic has absolutely no relation to the movie!

Our hero is in a hotel chilling out with a beer when a woman sits next to him and starts talking about a new job opportunity. These damn consulting firms are taking it too far nowadays, bothering us in person even when we are on a vacation! Man, I miss the days where we could just “no thanks” and cut the call. The Mechanic, understandably irritated at having his love making beer drinking session interrupted, clicks a picture of the lady so that he can take the proper legal course over this unsolicited pursuing by this beautiful yet adamant woman. The lady however misconstrues this and proceeds to attack him with a bunch of over-grown, generic goons backing her up. The Mechanic fights them all off, dodges several bullets and breaks several rules of physics by jumping off an aerial tramway cabin on to a hang glider that just happen to be gliding by. I know, that shit escalated quickly!!

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He then travels to his beach house in Thailand where he has stashed away lots of money, passports, guns and a laptop loaded with a software to search anyone and anything on this planet. He finds out that the consultancy lady actually works for some super rich mega douche named Crane or Train or Pain or some nonsense like that. Since his actual name is so drab and unworthy for a bad guy, lets refer to him as The Villain from now on.

The Mechanic notices a man hitting a woman. Well actually, he was spying on them, with a binocular and they were on a boat, far out into the sea. Since he was expecting a much different kind of action when he began spying on them, he gets frustrated and swims on to their boat and kills that dude. Wait, what?!

The lady from the boat then tells The Mechanic that she was actually sent by The Villain to exploit him and make him do The Villain’s bidding. I am sure she would have explained how exactly that would happen but I was too distracted by Jessica Alba’s face to care/notice/hear.

Jessica Alba

The next morning, Mechanic notices that The Villain’s henchmen have surrounded the island and are watching his every move. See, this is what happens when you poke your nose into the business of couples who just want to come to Thailand and engage in drunken violence!

Since he has a bunch of disposable henchmen watching, he decides he and the Lady will pretend to be a couple and do a lot of ‘couple activities’ together. And that is perfectly fine by me because it involves a lot of smiling and laughing from Jessica Alba. They decide to keep this fake relationship going even when they have retired to their room for the night and there is absolutely no one to observe them, by pretending to have sex. Now, it is not clear if the orgasms were fake too because that scene was deleted by the censor board of my great country.

The next morning, they are captured by The Villain’s henchmen. The Villain needs 3 men dead and he wants The Mechanic to do it. If he doesn’t, he will kill Jessica Alba. Ohh hell no!! I don’t get why The Villain chose to blackmail the Mechanic to do his bidding. He could have just said, “Listen bro, these 3 men are absolute shit stains of humanity. You would be doing everyone a favour by taking these 3 out. And once you do that, I will gift you and your girlfriend a shit load of money and may be a beach house somewhere as well! How does that sound? You in??”

Shit Stain #1: So this dude got sent to prison and on his way there, he told the authorities that he wanted 4 of his personal body guards and a private hut where he can concoct random weird stuff to drink, eat, smoke etc.  Our Mechanic gets himself arrested to enter this prison and then exhibits an excellent knowledge of chemistry; he knows exactly what randomly-lying-around in-a-prison items to mix to get a fatal yet refreshing drink. He also displays remarkable foresight to shop for items that can blast through a wall and then pack them inconspicuously into everyday prison items like cigarettes, matches & gum before entering the prison. I love how this movie promotes not only smoking but also chewing gum after smoking so as to avoid a stink breath.

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Height of Stupidity, literally!

Moving onto Shit Stain #2. This is a filthy rich dude who has an apartment 76 stories up with a glass swimming pool jutting out from side. Seriously, who the fuck has a swimming pool project out of a building 76 floors up?! And is made of glass!! What kind of stupid idiot approved this design!?! Natural selection probably would have killed him eventually but the Mechanic was in a time constraint. His impressive chemistry knowledge is on full display again as he conjures up a mix that can explode through a foot thick bullet proof glass. He also shows us that he could be Spiderman (if Spidey was a 40 year old dude who isn’t into wisecracking) by crawling under the swimming pool and detonating the above mentioned explosive device. Unsurprisingly, the pool bottom gives away and shit stain falls 76 floors to the ground below to become blood stain on the pavement! Everybody saw that coming from a mile away, or more accurately, from 76 stories below.

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The last guy probably isn’t a shit stain. He is that old guy from MIB who looks like he discovered space heroin and became mega rich by selling it on earth. He also looks like he took some himself and got so stoned that he created the prison of all prisons for him to live in. The place even has helicopters and submarines to defend itself. But hey, even helicopters need repairs and that’s how the Mechanic gets in to the building. He sneaks into the MIB dude’s room, which is basically a giant and spectacularly decorated Safe! MIB dude knows he is gonna die so he wants to go out on a high…literally. But even in the face of death, he has his manners and therefore offers some of the space heroin to Mechanic. His attitude changes completely as he says, “Bro, this shit is off the roof!! I am not gonna kill you now, let’s kill that other fucker!!”

Old MIB Dude

The Mechanic fakes the death of the MIB dude. The Villain wants some of the space heroin for himself so he sends his baddies to get them. Mechanic isn’t into sharing and therefore kills them all. He then goes to the Villain’s yacht and kills a bunch of people there too. The Villain proposes an exchange, heroin for the heroine. Mechanic is so high right now that instead of tying up the Villain and escaping with Jessica Alba in a boat, he chains the Villain up, puts Jessica into a giant round ball and then gets into some indestructible pod part of the ship to get even more high. And then the yacht explodes.

Many, many days later, the Mechanic is thought to be dead and Jessica Alba is in some remote village in Asia teaching children. Mechanic shows up with a bag and engages in a make out session with Jessica Alba. Before they could retreat to somewhere a little more private, they are interrupted by happily squealing kids who truly believe that his bag contains gifts & sweets for them. Mechanic’s demeanour changes completely as he stares down the kids with a cold hard look and says “I am gonna say this once and only once. Don’t Do Drugs!”

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Deadpool – An Unadulterated Fun

To begin with, I must confess, I am no comic book nerd even though I wish I was one. I haven’t read any Deadpool comics but I know enough about the character to have an idea what to expect going into this movie. However, the last movie to showcase the Deadpool butchered his character (among several others) so badly that they had to make another X-Men movie just to reset the whole timeline and make everything up to that point irrelevant.

Ohh, by the way if you have a problem with ‘bad words’, I suggest you just hit the close button for this tab now because despite what Captain America wants, I am not gonna watch my language.

Okay then, let’s jump right in and start with the people in the film. Deadpool plays Wade Wilson who later becomes Ryan Reynolds, the main hero/villain and the whole reason people turned up to watch the movie. He has also seen at least 2 movies; 127 Hours & Green Lantern. Then there is a hot chick, a British villain, a comic relief, an MMA chick, a giant metal dude and an emo teenager with even fewer facial expressions than that girl from Twilight.

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“Has anybody seen this man??”

DP (as in Deadpool, not double penetration) meets Hot Chick at some weird bar and compare their messed up childhoods; molesting uncle is trumped by turn taking molesting uncles. And then they fuck each other’s brains out, or at least that’s what I read happened because those scenes were censored in our country. A country with the second highest population in the world clearly doesn’t need to see 2 people hump each other on the big screen…or on the small screen, or the laptop, or the mobile, in the office, park, bus, parliament… But then again, if people are shown sex always need not be about instinctively putting sticks in holes and leaving it there till things start leaking, then maybe there might be some control on the population growth.

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Ohh Yeah!

So DP & hot chick propose each other at the same time, only slight wrinkle being they don’t propose the same thing; he wants marriage and she wants anal. He promptly gets cancer. Yeah, that had me scratching my balls too, head, I meant Head!

Since the movie didn’t have the budget for a decent chemotherapy session, DP goes to the shady underground torture chamber as suggested by Agent Smith. British villain shows up with the MMA chick in tow and proceeds to torture the living shit out of DP by explaining the technicalities of mutation, oxygen and other assorted tomfuckery. He then proceeds to give DP a shower, an ice bath and some recreational drugs. He also tries his hand at makeup but he fucks up big time. DP’s entire body looks like it had a massive allergic reaction to the first Wolverine movie. Shit was so bad that British Villain decided to burn down the whole goddamn building with DP still inside it.

DP doesn’t die because the story is only about a third done. Comic relief guy provides comic relief. DP dresses up in red & black spandex because he ran out of hoodies. He wants to go after British Villain but doesn’t know where he is. So he starts killing random expendable bad guys. He also beats up a little kid and shoots a woman. Or was it the other way around? In between all of that gorgeously gory violence, DP is shown to be quite proficient in counting bullets and counting murders as well.

Hot chick is sad because her boyfriend didn’t call her back for 2 years now so British Villain and MMA chick kidnap her to take her mind off the past. Shockingly, comic relief guy doesn’t get killed, mainly because he didn’t want to get killed. Since DP is new to the whole super hero/villain industry and he has no friends because his face looks like chocolate yogurt, he goes to the X-Men mansion to get help. But again, because of budget constraints, none of them turned up except Giant Metal dude and emo chick. Even Wolverine could not show up to deliver his classic “Go fuck yourselves” line. He did sent across a magazine with his face on the cover; not sure how much help that would be, not like DP is fighting mosquitoes here.

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“Hey, you wanna join the team? We have a few spots open.”

British Villain does a beautiful rendition of Rihanna’s ‘What’s My Name?’, except that it is not beautiful, he doesn’t even begin to look gorgeous, his voice is shit and no body fucking cares. Except DP though, DP arranged dead bodies to spell out his name. Aww, such bromance!

MMA chick ticks off all the super villainess cliché check boxes like super landing, massive boobies spilling out of a cleavage baring T-shirt etc. She proceeds to take on the biggest guy she could see…no no I meant height wise. They fight to a draw so she flashes him and as Giant Metal Dude looks away embarrassed, she proceeds to punch him so hard in the nether regions that every guy watching twitched instinctively and the 5 girls in the audience had a quick smile.

I have no idea what emo chick does. Some weird energy ball thing comes out of her… that girl has some serious anger issues! DP and British Villain smash each other into and at everything around them while hot chick is mouthing off profanities like there is no tomorrow, which only makes her hotter. Shit happens, everything turns to rubble and DP ends up on top of British Villain. No you guys, that is not a sex reference. Just because there are 987 dick jokes and other sexual references doesn’t give you the right to presume anything. Besides, emo chick was watching and she is actually underage. We also have Metal Dude giving a lecture on how to makebe a good super hero movie. DP rightly exclaims “Nobody fucking cares!!” before shooting British Villain in the head. Meanwhile MMA chick has already left to shoot her 2 fight scenes in her next movie.

Hot Chick, the only one with no super powers whatsoever for a 100 miles all around, calmly survives the devastation that just occurred. She gets a good look at DP’s fucked up face but rationalizes that the sex is just too good to pass up, especially now that DP claims to be wider & longer. She just needs to put a bag on his head or better yet, staple a Wolverine mask on DP’s head. And with that thought, the camera pans out to the end credits just as those 2 start going at each other like rabbits.

There is also an Indian cabbie who does an important role in driving the plot around, the plot being Deadpool of course. What, you went to watch the movie for its character development, or worse its romance?? Fuck off, you pretentious twat!!

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A simple guide to who’s who