When you want someone dead but want to make it look like an accident or suicide, you call the Mechanic. Well…you don’t actually call him, you place an ad in a specific newspaper for a mechanic and then, HE calls you. It’s all encrypted and discreet, so don’t worry. For more details, see the prequel to this film, titled The Mechanic. That film doesn’t explain though why they choose the profession of mechanic as the code word. Why not a plumber? Or carpenter, electrician, pizza boy etc? Or even a Systems Analyst at a global Fortune 500 company?? What?! I can kill people if I wanted to. In fact, I am quite well known to have bored a lot of people to death! If you don’t believe me, read other posts in this blog to confirm!
Anyway, our Mechanic felt like his career was stagnating, mostly because people were trying to kill him now and so he decided to abscond, literally…by faking his own death. He faked his death and went off to live a quiet life in Rio de Janeiro of all places! You know, the same Rio where the Olympics will be held, the events of Fast Five took place and more importantly, the same Rio of the Rio Carnival fame!! Not exactly a quiet town, is it?
Our hero is in a hotel chilling out with a beer when a woman sits next to him and starts talking about a new job opportunity. These damn consulting firms are taking it too far nowadays, bothering us in person even when we are on a vacation! Man, I miss the days where we could just “no thanks” and cut the call. The Mechanic, understandably irritated at having his love making beer drinking session interrupted, clicks a picture of the lady so that he can take the proper legal course over this unsolicited pursuing by this beautiful yet adamant woman. The lady however misconstrues this and proceeds to attack him with a bunch of over-grown, generic goons backing her up. The Mechanic fights them all off, dodges several bullets and breaks several rules of physics by jumping off an aerial tramway cabin on to a hang glider that just happen to be gliding by. I know, that shit escalated quickly!!
He then travels to his beach house in Thailand where he has stashed away lots of money, passports, guns and a laptop loaded with a software to search anyone and anything on this planet. He finds out that the consultancy lady actually works for some super rich mega douche named Crane or Train or Pain or some nonsense like that. Since his actual name is so drab and unworthy for a bad guy, lets refer to him as The Villain from now on.
The Mechanic notices a man hitting a woman. Well actually, he was spying on them, with a binocular and they were on a boat, far out into the sea. Since he was expecting a much different kind of action when he began spying on them, he gets frustrated and swims on to their boat and kills that dude. Wait, what?!
The lady from the boat then tells The Mechanic that she was actually sent by The Villain to exploit him and make him do The Villain’s bidding. I am sure she would have explained how exactly that would happen but I was too distracted by Jessica Alba’s face to care/notice/hear.
The next morning, Mechanic notices that The Villain’s henchmen have surrounded the island and are watching his every move. See, this is what happens when you poke your nose into the business of couples who just want to come to Thailand and engage in drunken violence!
Since he has a bunch of disposable henchmen watching, he decides he and the Lady will pretend to be a couple and do a lot of ‘couple activities’ together. And that is perfectly fine by me because it involves a lot of smiling and laughing from Jessica Alba. They decide to keep this fake relationship going even when they have retired to their room for the night and there is absolutely no one to observe them, by pretending to have sex. Now, it is not clear if the orgasms were fake too because that scene was deleted by the censor board of my great country.
The next morning, they are captured by The Villain’s henchmen. The Villain needs 3 men dead and he wants The Mechanic to do it. If he doesn’t, he will kill Jessica Alba. Ohh hell no!! I don’t get why The Villain chose to blackmail the Mechanic to do his bidding. He could have just said, “Listen bro, these 3 men are absolute shit stains of humanity. You would be doing everyone a favour by taking these 3 out. And once you do that, I will gift you and your girlfriend a shit load of money and may be a beach house somewhere as well! How does that sound? You in??”
Shit Stain #1: So this dude got sent to prison and on his way there, he told the authorities that he wanted 4 of his personal body guards and a private hut where he can concoct random weird stuff to drink, eat, smoke etc. Our Mechanic gets himself arrested to enter this prison and then exhibits an excellent knowledge of chemistry; he knows exactly what randomly-lying-around in-a-prison items to mix to get a fatal yet refreshing drink. He also displays remarkable foresight to shop for items that can blast through a wall and then pack them inconspicuously into everyday prison items like cigarettes, matches & gum before entering the prison. I love how this movie promotes not only smoking but also chewing gum after smoking so as to avoid a stink breath.
Moving onto Shit Stain #2. This is a filthy rich dude who has an apartment 76 stories up with a glass swimming pool jutting out from side. Seriously, who the fuck has a swimming pool project out of a building 76 floors up?! And is made of glass!! What kind of stupid idiot approved this design!?! Natural selection probably would have killed him eventually but the Mechanic was in a time constraint. His impressive chemistry knowledge is on full display again as he conjures up a mix that can explode through a foot thick bullet proof glass. He also shows us that he could be Spiderman (if Spidey was a 40 year old dude who isn’t into wisecracking) by crawling under the swimming pool and detonating the above mentioned explosive device. Unsurprisingly, the pool bottom gives away and shit stain falls 76 floors to the ground below to become blood stain on the pavement! Everybody saw that coming from a mile away, or more accurately, from 76 stories below.
The last guy probably isn’t a shit stain. He is that old guy from MIB who looks like he discovered space heroin and became mega rich by selling it on earth. He also looks like he took some himself and got so stoned that he created the prison of all prisons for him to live in. The place even has helicopters and submarines to defend itself. But hey, even helicopters need repairs and that’s how the Mechanic gets in to the building. He sneaks into the MIB dude’s room, which is basically a giant and spectacularly decorated Safe! MIB dude knows he is gonna die so he wants to go out on a high…literally. But even in the face of death, he has his manners and therefore offers some of the space heroin to Mechanic. His attitude changes completely as he says, “Bro, this shit is off the roof!! I am not gonna kill you now, let’s kill that other fucker!!”
The Mechanic fakes the death of the MIB dude. The Villain wants some of the space heroin for himself so he sends his baddies to get them. Mechanic isn’t into sharing and therefore kills them all. He then goes to the Villain’s yacht and kills a bunch of people there too. The Villain proposes an exchange, heroin for the heroine. Mechanic is so high right now that instead of tying up the Villain and escaping with Jessica Alba in a boat, he chains the Villain up, puts Jessica into a giant round ball and then gets into some indestructible pod part of the ship to get even more high. And then the yacht explodes.
Many, many days later, the Mechanic is thought to be dead and Jessica Alba is in some remote village in Asia teaching children. Mechanic shows up with a bag and engages in a make out session with Jessica Alba. Before they could retreat to somewhere a little more private, they are interrupted by happily squealing kids who truly believe that his bag contains gifts & sweets for them. Mechanic’s demeanour changes completely as he stares down the kids with a cold hard look and says “I am gonna say this once and only once. Don’t Do Drugs!”