To begin with, I must confess, I am no comic book nerd even though I wish I was one. I haven’t read any Deadpool comics but I know enough about the character to have an idea what to expect going into this movie. However, the last movie to showcase the Deadpool butchered his character (among several others) so badly that they had to make another X-Men movie just to reset the whole timeline and make everything up to that point irrelevant.
Ohh, by the way if you have a problem with ‘bad words’, I suggest you just hit the close button for this tab now because despite what Captain America wants, I am not gonna watch my language.
Okay then, let’s jump right in and start with the people in the film. Deadpool plays Wade Wilson who later becomes Ryan Reynolds, the main hero/villain and the whole reason people turned up to watch the movie. He has also seen at least 2 movies; 127 Hours & Green Lantern. Then there is a hot chick, a British villain, a comic relief, an MMA chick, a giant metal dude and an emo teenager with even fewer facial expressions than that girl from Twilight.
DP (as in Deadpool, not double penetration) meets Hot Chick at some weird bar and compare their messed up childhoods; molesting uncle is trumped by turn taking molesting uncles. And then they fuck each other’s brains out, or at least that’s what I read happened because those scenes were censored in our country. A country with the second highest population in the world clearly doesn’t need to see 2 people hump each other on the big screen…or on the small screen, or the laptop, or the mobile, in the office, park, bus, parliament… But then again, if people are shown sex always need not be about instinctively putting sticks in holes and leaving it there till things start leaking, then maybe there might be some control on the population growth.
So DP & hot chick propose each other at the same time, only slight wrinkle being they don’t propose the same thing; he wants marriage and she wants anal. He promptly gets cancer. Yeah, that had me scratching my balls too, head, I meant Head!
Since the movie didn’t have the budget for a decent chemotherapy session, DP goes to the shady underground torture chamber as suggested by Agent Smith. British villain shows up with the MMA chick in tow and proceeds to torture the living shit out of DP by explaining the technicalities of mutation, oxygen and other assorted tomfuckery. He then proceeds to give DP a shower, an ice bath and some recreational drugs. He also tries his hand at makeup but he fucks up big time. DP’s entire body looks like it had a massive allergic reaction to the first Wolverine movie. Shit was so bad that British Villain decided to burn down the whole goddamn building with DP still inside it.
DP doesn’t die because the story is only about a third done. Comic relief guy provides comic relief. DP dresses up in red & black spandex because he ran out of hoodies. He wants to go after British Villain but doesn’t know where he is. So he starts killing random expendable bad guys. He also beats up a little kid and shoots a woman. Or was it the other way around? In between all of that gorgeously gory violence, DP is shown to be quite proficient in counting bullets and counting murders as well.
Hot chick is sad because her boyfriend didn’t call her back for 2 years now so British Villain and MMA chick kidnap her to take her mind off the past. Shockingly, comic relief guy doesn’t get killed, mainly because he didn’t want to get killed. Since DP is new to the whole super hero/villain industry and he has no friends because his face looks like chocolate yogurt, he goes to the X-Men mansion to get help. But again, because of budget constraints, none of them turned up except Giant Metal dude and emo chick. Even Wolverine could not show up to deliver his classic “Go fuck yourselves” line. He did sent across a magazine with his face on the cover; not sure how much help that would be, not like DP is fighting mosquitoes here.
British Villain does a beautiful rendition of Rihanna’s ‘What’s My Name?’, except that it is not beautiful, he doesn’t even begin to look gorgeous, his voice is shit and no body fucking cares. Except DP though, DP arranged dead bodies to spell out his name. Aww, such bromance!
MMA chick ticks off all the super villainess cliché check boxes like super landing, massive boobies spilling out of a cleavage baring T-shirt etc. She proceeds to take on the biggest guy she could see…no no I meant height wise. They fight to a draw so she flashes him and as Giant Metal Dude looks away embarrassed, she proceeds to punch him so hard in the nether regions that every guy watching twitched instinctively and the 5 girls in the audience had a quick smile.
I have no idea what emo chick does. Some weird energy ball thing comes out of her… that girl has some serious anger issues! DP and British Villain smash each other into and at everything around them while hot chick is mouthing off profanities like there is no tomorrow, which only makes her hotter. Shit happens, everything turns to rubble and DP ends up on top of British Villain. No you guys, that is not a sex reference. Just because there are 987 dick jokes and other sexual references doesn’t give you the right to presume anything. Besides, emo chick was watching and she is actually underage. We also have Metal Dude giving a lecture on how to makebe a good super hero movie. DP rightly exclaims “Nobody fucking cares!!” before shooting British Villain in the head. Meanwhile MMA chick has already left to shoot her 2 fight scenes in her next movie.
Hot Chick, the only one with no super powers whatsoever for a 100 miles all around, calmly survives the devastation that just occurred. She gets a good look at DP’s fucked up face but rationalizes that the sex is just too good to pass up, especially now that DP claims to be wider & longer. She just needs to put a bag on his head or better yet, staple a Wolverine mask on DP’s head. And with that thought, the camera pans out to the end credits just as those 2 start going at each other like rabbits.
There is also an Indian cabbie who does an important role in driving the plot around, the plot being Deadpool of course. What, you went to watch the movie for its character development, or worse its romance?? Fuck off, you pretentious twat!!