ROY

So I went to see Roy, I don’t know why, maybe it was a ploy, but in the end I left saying Oye! – Hey look, that rhymed.

Apparently my blog has fans now and I was asked to write about this movie by them. So, as a responsible celebrity, I have decided to pay heed to their wishes. But I will keep the review short because I don’t want to get, you know, brain damage or anything.

I read in Wikipedia that Roy is a romantic movie…I am gonna take their word for it. The movie opens with the handsome Kabir, played by Arjun Rampal, who is a director trying to come up with a new story for his movie. Yes, there is a movie within this movie; kindly refrain from making references to Inception though, as one of my friends did. Kabir sits in front of his typewriter, puts on a silly hat, drinks alcohol, smokes cigarettes and plays with his Labrador. Shockingly, he has a writer’s block. The old typewriter in a box should have tipped me off on what was to come. Get a laptop or hire a writer, you doofus! I mean, I have MS Word 2013 (which I paid for, myself) installed on my laptop and I am not even a serious writer!

Since he has loads of free time, he calls his dad, who apparently is more interested in his nurse’s bra size. Unsurprisingly, the nurse isn’t interested. But while the dad is terrible with the ladies, the son is not. A beautiful lady is seen entering Kabir’s apartment and considering the dress she was wearing, I am guessing it was not for script reading. She is seen leaving 20 minutes later….if only the actual movie was that quick!

The main reason I went to see this movie is Jacqueline Fernandez and she is introduced as Ayesha Amir, sitting alone in a hotel, reading a book with her geeky glasses and a glass of wine at her table. That was a good scene, so naturally they had to ruin it. Mr Rich director comes over with a drink in one hand, cigarette in the other and some random garbage out of his mouth. Ayesha drops the “I have to get up early tomorrow” line and leaves. I should have left too.

Jacqueline Fernandez with specs

Somewhere in between, Ranbir Kapoor playing Roy is introduced. He likes paintings, he likes to steal stuff, likes drinking, doesn’t like to comb his hair…something something, I don’t know, things were going really slow at this point and I find it difficult to remember things when I am feeling sleepy.

Blah, blah, blah and they are in Malaysia now. Jacqueline arrives in a magnificent car. She doesn’t look too shabby herself. She is there to bid on a painting of a horse; apparently that stuff is Art. Roy is also there and outbids her for the painting which goes for 45 thousand dollars. What?!?! I knew I should have become an artist. I used to draw as a child but thought I was bad. Evidently, I was pronouncing art wrong all this time.

Jacqueline Fernandez

So after all the hard work of getting that painting, and by hard work I mean raising a numbered placard every few seconds, Roy gifts the painting to Jacqueline, via the hotel clerk. He later explains to her that this is his way of getting her to talk to him. Dude, did you spend 45 Thousand dollars just to get a girl to talk to you??!! Wow, and here I thought I was bad with girls!

Casanova director has a hook-up with some girl who ends up getting drunk and passing out. Seriously, there is way too much drinking and smoking here. But then again, they might have read the script and thought that this was the only way to get through filming the movie. Probably I should have gone into the theatre with a drink or two myself.

More randomness occurs as Jacqueline is seen romancing both Kabir and Roy. The scenes switch back and forth, leaving everyone in the audience confused. Well actually, I believe everybody’s exact reaction were “What the fuck is going on here??” Now, I can perfectly understand if she was really romancing two guys at the same time, because after all she is a stunningly beautiful woman and she could easily get many guys to go out with her. But hey, this is India and women don’t have such freedom here and hence it is much more likely that it is two different women, who just happen to look exactly the same, who are going out with Kabir and Roy. Yep, much more believable.

Jacqueline Fernandez In Red Dress

In between, people randomly start singing and dancing every 15 mins for no apparent reason. But then again, not much in this movie makes sense. There is a police officer who pops up occasionally and whose sole purpose is to look useless and ineffective – much like the movie itself.

One time in the movie, Roy and Tia get trapped in a car while it is pouring heavily outside. So they decide to make out in the car itself because, you know, they need to keep warm. On another occasion, Ayesha does ballet dancing on the beach which was really good to see but sadly, it doesn’t last long enough. But the best part, or at least I thought it was going to be, was when she was doing yoga by the rocks on the side of the beach. After some relatively simple moves, she went down on all fours, upside down in an inverted U pose. That takes some serious skill, not to mention flexibility. Not to be outdone, Kabir came nearby and squatted down in what I can only imagine is called the ‘Lookout everyone, I am gonna poop now’ pose!

But as they say, good times don’t last forever. Roy steals a painting from Tia after sleeping with her and so Ayesha leaves Kabir without saying a word. Why? I have no freaking idea why. At this point, I was concentrating more on my popcorn.

On screen, everyone is suffering from heartbreak. Off the screen, everyone is suffering from brain damage. Things were meandering along badly and somebody needed to step up…or step out of the theatre. And on cue, the wanna-be womanizer old man steps in as he goes to talk to his director son. He gifts his son a watch and says “Son. This is called a watch and it keeps time. Make sure you keep it too.” I am sure he was talking for the audience as well who were begging “End this goddamn movie Now!”

The Son is unimpressed and says “Naah, I got a girlfriend and so I slept with two other girls, that I remember. And ever since she dumped me, I have been growing this really cool beard because I am huge fan of the cliché.” Frustrated, the dad retorts “Fine! Screw this! I am outta here.” He gets up and leaves. And by leaves, I mean he dies, of boredom I guess. Or maybe it is from all the drinking and smoking – Remember kids, cigarettes and alcohol only lead to death. The journey is awesome but the destination is a killer.

Okay, reading back I understand that the above scene might not have occurred exactly as I described it but trust me when I say this, my version is way more exciting that what actually happened on screen. Go on, ask anyone…the handful who were awake that is.

Just to keep the audience awake guessing, there is an action sequence in the second half. Roy beats down five trained bodyguards singlehandedly, barely breaking a sweat in the process. But then again, we know that all villains are stupid in movies. This ‘action sequence’ lasts for all of One minute. Why did he beat them up? Because he has a grand plan. He wants to steal the painting, which He originally stole, from the guy to whom he helped sell it to, so that he can return it to the woman from whom he stole it in the first place. This dude is all kinds of weird!

Meanwhile, Ayesha and Kabir both release their films. Ayesha’s film wins some award; in completely unrelated news, Kabir was on the jury that selected Ayesha. She is then shown watching his film and the next thing we see is her leaving the country. Wow, that must have been one lousy film!

Kabir tracks down Ayesha at the airport and after some lengthy mushy dialogues that kept us in the theatres for another 30mins, they reconcile and become a couple again. Tia and Roy are far less torturous. They merely stare into each other’s eyes, barely speak 5 words and hug it out. And then the best part of the movie came up, the fact that it ended!

Whoa, I said I will keep it short but like the movie, it dragged along. I was going to apologize for that but then I thought, to hell with that, you people merely have to read this, I had to sit through the whole damn movie! However, that being said, I am a ‘glass is half full’ kind of guy and so I would like to offer some positives about this film. I had to dig really deep but I found one. I just want to say that this movie is an Excellent choice to watch on Valentine’s Day for single people because if This is romance, then I am glad I am single!

Hey, did you understand anything that happened? Nope. you? Naah. But Jacqueline was Stunning! Yep! She was.

Hey, did you understand anything that happened?
Nope. you?
Naah. But Jacqueline was Stunning!
Yep! She was.

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