ROY

So I went to see Roy, I don’t know why, maybe it was a ploy, but in the end I left saying Oye! – Hey look, that rhymed.

Apparently my blog has fans now and I was asked to write about this movie by them. So, as a responsible celebrity, I have decided to pay heed to their wishes. But I will keep the review short because I don’t want to get, you know, brain damage or anything.

I read in Wikipedia that Roy is a romantic movie…I am gonna take their word for it. The movie opens with the handsome Kabir, played by Arjun Rampal, who is a director trying to come up with a new story for his movie. Yes, there is a movie within this movie; kindly refrain from making references to Inception though, as one of my friends did. Kabir sits in front of his typewriter, puts on a silly hat, drinks alcohol, smokes cigarettes and plays with his Labrador. Shockingly, he has a writer’s block. The old typewriter in a box should have tipped me off on what was to come. Get a laptop or hire a writer, you doofus! I mean, I have MS Word 2013 (which I paid for, myself) installed on my laptop and I am not even a serious writer!

Since he has loads of free time, he calls his dad, who apparently is more interested in his nurse’s bra size. Unsurprisingly, the nurse isn’t interested. But while the dad is terrible with the ladies, the son is not. A beautiful lady is seen entering Kabir’s apartment and considering the dress she was wearing, I am guessing it was not for script reading. She is seen leaving 20 minutes later….if only the actual movie was that quick!

The main reason I went to see this movie is Jacqueline Fernandez and she is introduced as Ayesha Amir, sitting alone in a hotel, reading a book with her geeky glasses and a glass of wine at her table. That was a good scene, so naturally they had to ruin it. Mr Rich director comes over with a drink in one hand, cigarette in the other and some random garbage out of his mouth. Ayesha drops the “I have to get up early tomorrow” line and leaves. I should have left too.

Jacqueline Fernandez with specs

Somewhere in between, Ranbir Kapoor playing Roy is introduced. He likes paintings, he likes to steal stuff, likes drinking, doesn’t like to comb his hair…something something, I don’t know, things were going really slow at this point and I find it difficult to remember things when I am feeling sleepy.

Blah, blah, blah and they are in Malaysia now. Jacqueline arrives in a magnificent car. She doesn’t look too shabby herself. She is there to bid on a painting of a horse; apparently that stuff is Art. Roy is also there and outbids her for the painting which goes for 45 thousand dollars. What?!?! I knew I should have become an artist. I used to draw as a child but thought I was bad. Evidently, I was pronouncing art wrong all this time.

Jacqueline Fernandez

So after all the hard work of getting that painting, and by hard work I mean raising a numbered placard every few seconds, Roy gifts the painting to Jacqueline, via the hotel clerk. He later explains to her that this is his way of getting her to talk to him. Dude, did you spend 45 Thousand dollars just to get a girl to talk to you??!! Wow, and here I thought I was bad with girls!

Casanova director has a hook-up with some girl who ends up getting drunk and passing out. Seriously, there is way too much drinking and smoking here. But then again, they might have read the script and thought that this was the only way to get through filming the movie. Probably I should have gone into the theatre with a drink or two myself.

More randomness occurs as Jacqueline is seen romancing both Kabir and Roy. The scenes switch back and forth, leaving everyone in the audience confused. Well actually, I believe everybody’s exact reaction were “What the fuck is going on here??” Now, I can perfectly understand if she was really romancing two guys at the same time, because after all she is a stunningly beautiful woman and she could easily get many guys to go out with her. But hey, this is India and women don’t have such freedom here and hence it is much more likely that it is two different women, who just happen to look exactly the same, who are going out with Kabir and Roy. Yep, much more believable.

Jacqueline Fernandez In Red Dress

In between, people randomly start singing and dancing every 15 mins for no apparent reason. But then again, not much in this movie makes sense. There is a police officer who pops up occasionally and whose sole purpose is to look useless and ineffective – much like the movie itself.

One time in the movie, Roy and Tia get trapped in a car while it is pouring heavily outside. So they decide to make out in the car itself because, you know, they need to keep warm. On another occasion, Ayesha does ballet dancing on the beach which was really good to see but sadly, it doesn’t last long enough. But the best part, or at least I thought it was going to be, was when she was doing yoga by the rocks on the side of the beach. After some relatively simple moves, she went down on all fours, upside down in an inverted U pose. That takes some serious skill, not to mention flexibility. Not to be outdone, Kabir came nearby and squatted down in what I can only imagine is called the ‘Lookout everyone, I am gonna poop now’ pose!

But as they say, good times don’t last forever. Roy steals a painting from Tia after sleeping with her and so Ayesha leaves Kabir without saying a word. Why? I have no freaking idea why. At this point, I was concentrating more on my popcorn.

On screen, everyone is suffering from heartbreak. Off the screen, everyone is suffering from brain damage. Things were meandering along badly and somebody needed to step up…or step out of the theatre. And on cue, the wanna-be womanizer old man steps in as he goes to talk to his director son. He gifts his son a watch and says “Son. This is called a watch and it keeps time. Make sure you keep it too.” I am sure he was talking for the audience as well who were begging “End this goddamn movie Now!”

The Son is unimpressed and says “Naah, I got a girlfriend and so I slept with two other girls, that I remember. And ever since she dumped me, I have been growing this really cool beard because I am huge fan of the cliché.” Frustrated, the dad retorts “Fine! Screw this! I am outta here.” He gets up and leaves. And by leaves, I mean he dies, of boredom I guess. Or maybe it is from all the drinking and smoking – Remember kids, cigarettes and alcohol only lead to death. The journey is awesome but the destination is a killer.

Okay, reading back I understand that the above scene might not have occurred exactly as I described it but trust me when I say this, my version is way more exciting that what actually happened on screen. Go on, ask anyone…the handful who were awake that is.

Just to keep the audience awake guessing, there is an action sequence in the second half. Roy beats down five trained bodyguards singlehandedly, barely breaking a sweat in the process. But then again, we know that all villains are stupid in movies. This ‘action sequence’ lasts for all of One minute. Why did he beat them up? Because he has a grand plan. He wants to steal the painting, which He originally stole, from the guy to whom he helped sell it to, so that he can return it to the woman from whom he stole it in the first place. This dude is all kinds of weird!

Meanwhile, Ayesha and Kabir both release their films. Ayesha’s film wins some award; in completely unrelated news, Kabir was on the jury that selected Ayesha. She is then shown watching his film and the next thing we see is her leaving the country. Wow, that must have been one lousy film!

Kabir tracks down Ayesha at the airport and after some lengthy mushy dialogues that kept us in the theatres for another 30mins, they reconcile and become a couple again. Tia and Roy are far less torturous. They merely stare into each other’s eyes, barely speak 5 words and hug it out. And then the best part of the movie came up, the fact that it ended!

Whoa, I said I will keep it short but like the movie, it dragged along. I was going to apologize for that but then I thought, to hell with that, you people merely have to read this, I had to sit through the whole damn movie! However, that being said, I am a ‘glass is half full’ kind of guy and so I would like to offer some positives about this film. I had to dig really deep but I found one. I just want to say that this movie is an Excellent choice to watch on Valentine’s Day for single people because if This is romance, then I am glad I am single!

Hey, did you understand anything that happened? Nope. you? Naah. But Jacqueline was Stunning! Yep! She was.

Hey, did you understand anything that happened?
Nope. you?
Naah. But Jacqueline was Stunning!
Yep! She was.

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Getting Married??

If you are an Indian in your twenties, you have to get married. Yes, it’s a rule; it is explicitly stated in our constitution, or so I have been told. All Indian citizens are expected to follow this rule without question. In fact, the only acceptable way to break this rule is to get married before the age of twenty. The law also goes on to state that if you don’t comply with this ruling, you will be subject to constant emotional torture and blackmail by your parents, relatives, colleagues, some friends, random people you meet on the street, people you thought you would never run into again etc. And there is nothing you can do about it because you deserve this punishment for daring to go against conventional wisdom. It is perfectly acceptable if people see you as a criminal for not wanting to marry; in fact, the only difference between you and a hard core criminal is that you don’t get jail time…umm, actually I am not even sure of that!

As a registered Indian citizen (I have a PAN card to prove it!), I too am expected to follow this rule. And to reinforce these expectations, the ‘society’ will ask ten thousand questions regarding my marital status. For you readers, I have collated a few for easy reference as seen below.

  • When are you getting married? – Frequency (and Irritation) increases in direct proportion to age.
  • Are your parents searching for a girl yet?” – Mostly asked by friends to confirm if we are in the same boat
  • Ohh you already have a girlfriend huh? You sly dog!” – Close friends or complete jackasses ask this. Sometimes the line is blurred between these two.
  • Why are you not married yet??” – Nosy relatives who assume there is something wrong with you and would love to get brand new fodder for gossip.
  • We were all married and had kids by the time we got to your age.” – Elderly folk romanticizing about their twenties back in the day….when child marriages were still common.
  • Love failure?” – A set of relatives who are married but are not much older to you.
  • What will we say to everyone when they ask about you??” – My parents. Apparently they are unwilling to reply “mind your own business”; something about that not being a socially acceptable answer.
  • When are we getting married??” – My girlfriend. In my dreams.
  • Don’t you want to have kids of your own?” – Says the lady with two bawling kids in her arms and a third one tugging at her saree. Nope, no thanks. Never liked kids anyway.
  • You are next!” – Some oldie during my cousin’s marriage.
  • Before I die, I want to see you get married.” – Another oldie. I have absolutely no idea who these people are! Not that I bothered to find out.
  • It will take you four years to find a girl and get married.” – Pretty sure this is a polite way of saying “You are so freaking ugly that it will takes ages before any girl agrees to marry you!”
  • You know <<insert random name here>> right? His/her daughter just passed out of <<insert random college>> and got a job in <<insert random company>>. She will a very good match for you.” – Random person
  • If you don’t get married, what will others think?” – Random guy #2. Umm, You ARE the others! Seriously, who are you people and where do you come from??
  • Sooner or later, you have to get married. So why don’t you do it now itself?” – Hmm, okay, by that logic, sooner or later you have to Will die. So why don’t you commit suicide now itself. (Kindly note that I am not equating marriage to suicide. Fortunately or unfortunately, I don’t have experience in either.)

The thing is, I do have a rich and glorious tradition of breaking rules (Ladies, please take note: I am a bad boy!). However, after resisting the incessant pressure from all sides to get married for such a long time, I may finally be relenting. Shh. Don’t tell my parents, not yet anyway.

Now, this is not a matter that can be looked upon lightly. We are talking about a lifelong commitment here. As someone who considers himself a logical & rational person (yes, I understand this can come as a shock to some of you), I have decided to put some serious thought into this matter. A plan needs to be thought out and that plan has to be cool. And whenever I need a cool plan, I turn to…well, myself.

So I came up with an awesome strategy. My strategy is to carefully consider about what I want and what my expectations are. For that I went about listing my awesomeness characteristics and extrapolating from that what my future wife should probably be like. Now I understand from experience (of watching movies of course) that you can make all the lists you want but you can still end up with someone completely the opposite. But hey, doesn’t hurt to try right? Especially since I am not doing anything else about the whole thing.

However, to keep my head on the ground, I should also look at everyone else who is getting married and see how they are going about it. And since all my friends are getting married left, right and centre, it is only natural that I talk to some of them about their opinion on this whole thing. Unfortunately, I got a myriad of opinions that leaves me even more confused than before. Again, for everybody’s reference, I have classified the different views into categories as written below:

  • The friend who goes along with the parents’ wishes because apparently only parents know what is best for you.
  • The friend who had a love marriage and paints such a rosy picture that it makes you want to vomit.
  • The girl who staunchly defends the traditional marriage and is shocked to hear someone can even think of deviating from it.
  • The dude who has absolutely no idea and quotes some random movie dialogue.
  • That guy who wants to open a Chronic Bachelor club. Joey Tribbiani & Charlie Harper are honorary members.
  • The friend who always wanted a love marriage but eventually caved because he/she was tired of listening to what the ‘society was saying’.
  • The girl who talk up a storm about romance and love marriage but eventually gets married to her Papa’s choice. Happily.
  • The friend who said “screw marriage, all girls are liars!” Fresh out of a relationship then. Married with kids now.

So the above are different opinions that I classified into similar groups. But then I got one which cannot be classified into any category whatsoever because it stands out as the best of the lot and I have rightfully saved it for the last. This guy gave me some insanely awesome piece of advice when asked about the ideal wife:

  • Find the woman who makes you laugh and also laughs at your ‘jokes’
  • Find the woman who is a great cook and makes your favourite dish
  • Find the woman who is honest and open and who never makes you guess her thoughts
  • Find the woman who loves to pamper you with all her love and attention
  • Find the woman who is awesome in bed
  • And the last but the most important thing, make sure these five women never EVER meet!!

He may or may not have been drunk at that time.