Contrary to popular belief, I was not a born Atheist. And despite what some of my friends say, I wasn’t a born worshipper of Satan either. Like all impressionable young kids, I was also a believer in God and his almightiness. However one fateful day in 1999, everything changed, for I had an experience of the paranormal kind.
I was quietly sitting in some corner, minding my own business, which as a teenage boy meant checking out the beautiful girls walking in front of me. However, as beautiful as all the girls I saw that day were (and many days going forward), none of them could hold a candle to HER. From the very first moment I saw her and went “wow”, I knew I was hooked. Very soon, I learned that the attraction was mutual. That was the beginning of a beautiful relationship; every time we spoke, it bought a smile to my lips and a peace to my mind. Those were simpler times. But good times don’t last forever. They say, childhood crushes aren’t meant to last. Well, I wouldn’t be so sure of that.
However on that particular and fateful day in 1999, I didn’t know all this. I was merely hooked. What that meant was that, other, perfectly beautiful girls just didn’t register in the brain as they should. Every girl underwent an automatic mental comparison to her and unfailingly, the result was the same each time; no prizes for guessing what it was. Exasperated, I muttered “Ohh, god! Help me please!” The saying goes; be careful what you wish for, because sometimes it might just come true.
For as soon as I uttered those words, I felt everything around me instantaneously come to a standstill. And just as unexpectedly, there was a huge flash of light and out strolls this guy with a nonchalant yet smug arrogance, like he owned the place. Irrespective of whatever faith you were raised in, you just knew this was the man. This was Him, This was God.
With a purposeful walk, Mr God walks over to where I was sitting, all the while maintaining a strong eye contact. While I was humbled by the fact that I was in the midst of Holiness, I was also surprised that there was still a tiny and defiant part of me that simply wanted to say, Dude, you are blocking my view!
However, I was raised by my awesome parents to be polite and courteous at all times and so, I stood up to face God. God put his left hand on my right shoulder and said “Bro, I know you have a lot of questions.” Wait, God just called me ‘bro’! OMG!!
“Now you might feel like I haven’t blessed you with much.” God continued “I mean you will never put on weight or be any taller. You will never be a people person, meaning you can count your closest friends in one hand. But hey, look in the bright side; I did give you an IQ of 137!”
“Okaayy…” I wasn’t sure how to respond. Wait, where are my manners? I barely managed to muster out a “umm, thank you God?!”
“Wow! Your people skills are just…wow!” Even God is disappointed! Damn!
Since I had nothing to reply and just wore a blank expression, God continued. “So here is the deal, bro. I am going to need you to stop believing in me and stop praying as well.”
Those words took some time to reach my brain and my brain took even more time to make sense of it. It didn’t succeed though. “What? Why??”
It is just that there are so many people already believing in me. Belief is fine, but these people are always asking for stuff; more money, more fame, more success, more this, more that. Most of them doesn’t make any sense and some are just plain creepy!
Umm. Okay. But how can I stop believing in you. You just appeared before me in person and…and we are talking to each other!
“Hmmm… Ohh I can see that awesome IQ is at work!” God was smiling now, I wasn’t. There was a momentary silence. “Yeah, I am going to make you forget that any of this just happened!”
Wait, What? How??
God let out an almighty laugh (nope, no pun intended). “What do you mean how?? I am GOD! That’s how!”
Lol, I am just kidding. Stand back!
When God asks you to stand back, you stand back. He pulls out something from a pocket in his jacket, a pocket that was not there a moment ago. It’s a Ray Ban sunglass. He puts it on with an exaggerated twirl, just like Rajnikanth does in his movies…Wait, could it be?? Before I could dwell on it further, this guy reaches for another pocket that suddenly manifested and pulled out a cylindrical device that had buttons on the side and lights at one end. My mind immediately could think of only one thing.
Reading my mind, God said “yes bro, it is exactly what you think. It’s a Neuralyzer!” (Believers and non-believers alike, please watch the movie Men In Black to get this reference)
“Do you have any last wishes, Mortal?”
As a thin, scrawny kid who read one too many comic books, my young mind could think of only one thing “Make me Invincible!”
“Make you invisible? Umm, sure.”
And just like that, before I could get a word in and for the second time in 5 minutes, I was blinded by a bright light. As my eyes readjusted, I realised that my mind was currently devoid of any thoughts. But like broken dam, the thoughts came flooding back in. I relived the events that just transpired in front of me again and again. I came to the slow realisation that god isn’t a supreme, all knowing entity. He is just a guy with fancy gadgets. I mean, if he was all knowing and stuff, he would have, no, should have known that I wore contact lenses. Everyone knows Neuralyzer doesn’t work on contact lenses! And also, that dude needs to get his ears checked; I said inVINcible, not invisible, goddammit!!