Why I Chose To Become An Atheist

Contrary to popular belief, I was not a born Atheist. And despite what some of my friends say, I wasn’t a born worshipper of Satan either. Like all impressionable young kids, I was also a believer in God and his almightiness. However one fateful day in 1999, everything changed, for I had an experience of the paranormal kind.

I was quietly sitting in some corner, minding my own business, which as a teenage boy meant checking out the beautiful girls walking in front of me. However, as beautiful as all the girls I saw that day were (and many days going forward), none of them could hold a candle to HER. From the very first moment I saw her and went “wow”, I knew I was hooked. Very soon, I learned that the attraction was mutual. That was the beginning of a beautiful relationship; every time we spoke, it bought a smile to my lips and a peace to my mind. Those were simpler times. But good times don’t last forever. They say, childhood crushes aren’t meant to last. Well, I wouldn’t be so sure of that.

However on that particular and fateful day in 1999, I didn’t know all this. I was merely hooked. What that meant was that, other, perfectly beautiful girls just didn’t register in the brain as they should. Every girl underwent an automatic mental comparison to her and unfailingly, the result was the same each time; no prizes for guessing what it was. Exasperated, I muttered “Ohh, god! Help me please!” The saying goes; be careful what you wish for, because sometimes it might just come true.

For as soon as I uttered those words, I felt everything around me instantaneously come to a standstill. And just as unexpectedly, there was a huge flash of light and out strolls this guy with a nonchalant yet smug arrogance, like he owned the place. Irrespective of whatever faith you were raised in, you just knew this was the man. This was Him, This was God.

With a purposeful walk, Mr God walks over to where I was sitting, all the while maintaining a strong eye contact. While I was humbled by the fact that I was in the midst of Holiness, I was also surprised that there was still a tiny and defiant part of me that simply wanted to say, Dude, you are blocking my view!

However, I was raised by my awesome parents to be polite and courteous at all times and so, I stood up to face God. God put his left hand on my right shoulder and said “Bro, I know you have a lot of questions.” Wait, God just called me ‘bro’! OMG!!

Now you might feel like I haven’t blessed you with much.” God continued “I mean you will never put on weight or be any taller. You will never be a people person, meaning you can count your closest friends in one hand. But hey, look in the bright side; I did give you an IQ of 137!

Okaayy…” I wasn’t sure how to respond. Wait, where are my manners? I barely managed to muster out a  “umm, thank you God?!

Wow! Your people skills are just…wow!” Even God is disappointed! Damn!

Since I had nothing to reply and just wore a blank expression, God continued. “So here is the deal, bro. I am going to need you to stop believing in me and stop praying as well.

Those words took some time to reach my brain and my brain took even more time to make sense of it. It didn’t succeed though. “What? Why??”

It is just that there are so many people already believing in me. Belief is fine, but these people are always asking for stuff; more money, more fame, more success, more this, more that. Most of them doesn’t make any sense and some are just plain creepy!

Umm. Okay. But how can I stop believing in you. You just appeared before me in person and…and we are talking to each other!

Hmmm… Ohh I can see that awesome IQ is at work!” God was smiling now, I wasn’t. There was a momentary silence. “Yeah, I am going to make you forget that any of this just happened!

Wait, What? How??

God let out an almighty laugh (nope, no pun intended). “What do you mean how?? I am GOD! That’s how!

Ohh…

Lol, I am just kidding. Stand back!

When God asks you to stand back, you stand back. He pulls out something from a pocket in his jacket, a pocket that was not there a moment ago. It’s a Ray Ban sunglass. He puts it on with an exaggerated twirl, just like Rajnikanth does in his movies…Wait, could it be?? Before I could dwell on it further, this guy reaches for another pocket that suddenly manifested and pulled out a cylindrical device that had buttons on the side and lights at one end. My mind immediately could think of only one thing.

Reading my mind, God said “yes bro, it is exactly what you think. It’s a Neuralyzer!” (Believers and non-believers alike, please watch the movie Men In Black to get this reference)

Do you have any last wishes, Mortal?

As a thin, scrawny kid who read one too many comic books, my young mind could think of only one thing “Make me Invincible!

Make you invisible? Umm, sure.

And just like that, before I could get a word in and for the second time in 5 minutes, I was blinded by a bright light. As my eyes readjusted, I realised that my mind was currently devoid of any thoughts. But like broken dam, the thoughts came flooding back in. I relived the events that just transpired in front of me again and again. I came to the slow realisation that god isn’t a supreme, all knowing entity. He is just a guy with fancy gadgets. I mean, if he was all knowing and stuff, he would have, no, should have known that I wore contact lenses. Everyone knows Neuralyzer doesn’t work on contact lenses! And also, that dude needs to get his ears checked; I said inVINcible, not invisible, goddammit!!

Action Jackson: Movie Review

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Be criminally good; this is one of the many catchphrases of the lead guy in this film. I am not calling him the hero because in this film, no one comes off good. Not a single one. I don’t know about the whole movie but Ajay Devgn’s dances moves were criminally good, ie it was so bad that it was good. Apparently waving someone good bye is a dance move now.

Ajay Devgn plays Vishy, a guy who roams around town beating up bad guys and slapping his friend. So naturally a girl falls in love with him. You would think Vishy is a pretty violent guy but hold on, Ajay also plays AJ who takes violence to the next level. AJ takes off his shirt and beats bad guys to a pulp, smashes them into random nearby object, slices through them with a samurai sword and leaves a trail of utter destruction. So naturally he also gets the girl, a beautiful Yami Gautam falls in love with him and they get married.

But since AJ is extra violent and a general sociopath, he gets a bonus point; another girl falls madly in love with him. How to describe this pleasant lady? She is the kind of girl you show your parents if you want them to get a heart attack. Hell, she is the kind of girl who looks like she could give You a heart attack if you ever got into be….ohh sorry, can’t say more…family audience reading this. In the movie she is called Marina, but I am gonna call her Madam Crazy.

Sonakshi Sinha is Kushi who falls for Vishy because their names rhyme together. Seriously. No, don’t believe me? Okay let me tell you what exactly happened. Kushi is a girl with permanent bad luck. But that bad luck changes once she catches sight of Vishy’s thing. Yeah. Not once but twice. So naturally, her friends, the Bimbo squad, advises her to keep seeing little Vishy so that she can continue having her new found luck. They also try to get ‘some’ for themselves and end up molesting Vishy’s friend instead. Obviously, none of these girls have attended a sexual harassment class in their entire lives.

Vishy’s friend, the Hungry Hippo, eats a lot and gets slapped around a lot more. His situation progressively worsens as the movies rolls along and his constant whining is a main source of laughs in this movie.

There is also a bald guy with a snake tattoo on his head & a glass eye who I presume is another main villain but comes across as a broker between AJ and Madam Crazy. He mostly talks on the phone and in the end we realise he just wanted a good husband for his dear sister, Madam Crazy!

And then there is Yami. Her main role in this movie is getting beaten up to an inch of her life, somehow surviving the ordeal and then repeating the whole process again. She gets chased around, smashed on the side of the head, punched in the face, thrown head first into a window, thrown to the floor and into a wall. Near the end of the movie, I am pretty sure she is also groped by Madam Crazy. But in the midst of all this, she gets pregnant, gets married and gives birth to a healthy baby.

There is also an assortment of side villains. Big and bulky but stupid as a rock! The only people they manage to beat up in the entire movie are poor defenceless women. But it’s not all bad for woman in this movie, their roles have more importance in the storyline which is another way of saying that their roles are less stupider. Also in the light of the recent cleavage controversy, they have refrained from showing off too much cleavage as well. That role apparently went to the guys; some of them just couldn’t find a proper fitting shirt anywhere it seems.

Okay, now that the characters have been introduced, let’s get to the story. The plot of the movie goes more or less like this: AJ & Vishy act bad and beat up bad people, and so each of them gets a girl – as per nature’s law obviously . One fine day, Madam Crazy had her hands tied up and so, gets a nice gentleman to undo the buttons of her shirt, presumably because the AC was off. AJ misconstrues this as an act of violence and proceeds to slice through a bunch of random guys. Madam Crazy somehow finds this hot and an obsession begins. She must have him. He politely asks her to get lost. Shit escalates. Collateral damage. 3859 random somebodies die (yes I counted). Meanwhile AJ & Vishy try their hand in dancing. Another 9647 die. Finally AJ kills Baldy and Madam Crazy. The audience had died long ago. Moral of the story: Change your own freaking shirt, bitch!