DOs and DONTs At An Interview

Post by Deepak Mehta:

DOs and DONTs at an interview to increase your chances of getting selected.

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The Greatest Resume Ever Prepared!

Name: ‘The Great One’

Designation: Software Engineer by day, Internet Super Hero by night

Mobile #: Sorry, I don’t give out mobile number just like that, way too many psycho chicks out there.

Email ID: iamcool1234@YoMail.com; iamsexy9876@alone.com; demo4u@getalife.com; gotnomoney@poor.com; WhyAmIhavingSoManyIDs@WTFisThisShit.co.in;

 

Objectives

I am a Highly experienced professional seeking even more experience money with a reputed company (willing to be flexible regarding reputation of company). I am also looking to advance my career by taking on more responsible roles that involve assigning responsibility and reassigning blame based on different Excel sheets and power point presentations.

Skills

  • Wide experience in providing technical support with excellent diagnostics, trouble shooting and problem resolution skills–> These are the skills of the colleague sitting next to me. My skill is convincing him to get all MY things done.
  • Extensive ticketing experience: I have 90% success rate in IRCTC.
  • Highly Responsible: Whenever anything goes wrong anywhere, everyone turns to me.
  • Great Team Player: When things go wrong, I ensure that all of my team mates gets equal credit. Sometimes I even share this credit with the guy sitting in the next building.
  • Courageous: I have told “you are an insult to humanity, you rat faced bastard” to countless team mates and managers.
  • Excellent Conflict Resolution skills. On a completely unrelated note, I love guns and I never miss with my military grade pistol.
  • Excellent Social Skills (please add me on Facebook) to go along with reasonable anti-social skills.
  • Finely tuned ability to Sleep with one eye open.
  • Ability to express any opinion in a crisp & concise manner (140 characters or less; follow me on Twitter – @HariJairaj)
  • Always calm and composed under any situation regardless of the pressure. Drowning daily in the sea of collective stupidity all around the world will do that to you. Tips available here.
  • Can easily work a “when I was in US” story to any conversation.
  • Author of the most kick ass blog ever: Pepsicated.wordpress.com
  • Mad survival skills bro! I have survived many natural and human calamities like Chennai summers, Bangalore traffic, college (didn’t fail in a single exam!), Y2K (more like Y2Bother, am I right??) etc.

English

Yes! It deserves a separate heading, you will soon get to know why.

Outstanding English ability, both written and spoken, that has been calibrated at different levels for ease & effectiveness of communication as highlighted below:

  1. To The Point English: I need a new job.
  2. Normal English: I need a new job as I want new challenges and also a significant rise in salary
  3. Excuse laden English: I need a new job because “I want to be near to my parents/girlfriend/wife/mistress” ” I got kicked out from US” ”I got a restraining order against me by my ex-GF, so I have to move out of the city”
  4. ‘Is this even English?’ English: After I passed away in college, I are work in job. 4 years. No change, no money. Need new job to grow up. You get me, I satisfy you.
  5. Management English: As part of my well established process of job satisfaction and compensation improvement policy, it is with optimistic confidence that I hereby seek to offer my considerable expertise and services in exchange for your gainful employment in your reputed and esteemed organization.
  6. Abusive English: I am sick of the crap job and I can’t take this shit anymore. I need a damn change ASAP or I swear to God, I am gonna kill these sons of bitches!!
  7. Fucking Awesome English: I am fucking tired of being in this fuck hole of a job. Every fucking thing is fucked up here. How the fuck am I still alive?? Wait, just fucking wait! Why the fuck am I even here? Fuck this, I need a fucking change. I need a fuckingly awesome job! Is there any fucking good company out there who can fucking get me my fucking dream job?? No? Not even a single fucking one??!! That’s just fucking sad man! Well, fuck you then! Fuck all of you! Fuckers!!!!

Expertise

  • Seven plus years of collecting salary without any single delay whatsoever.
  • Document Forgery: Passport, PAN Card, Election ID card, School & College certificates, experience letter etc have been successfully forged.
  • Expert in setting up proxy IP on office/client networks: I am the go to man when people need access to the really good internet porn; for guys, it is actual porn. For women, it is any shopping site that offers discount.
  • Software’s & Applications: MS Word, MS Excel, MS Power Point, MS Dhoni etc
  • OS: Windows 3.1, Windows 95, Windows 98, Windows 2000, Windows NT, Windows XP, Windows Vista, Windows 7, Windows 8. I will also know Windows 9 and/or any other higher versions. If they rename it to Doors or something, I will know that too. Update: Apparently they have skipped Windows 9 and went straight to Windows 10, because you know, 7 8 9.

Awards & Recognitions

  • Recognized as the “Most Out Standing Student” for four consecutive years in school
  • Awarded the title of “Chronic Bachelor for Life” by all girls from my school
  • Voted “Most Likely to die by the hands of his friends”  in college by friends
  • Passed college without failing in a single exam #Legendary
  • Proclaimed “The Greatest Son in the whole world” by my mom
  • Recognized and awarded for being ‘School First’ and ‘Among the Top 0.001% of Students’ in English in Xth Board exams. #TrueStory. It is, really!
  • Honoured with a “Damn it! Why didn’t you just propose, you idiot!!” certificate by an ex-crush who is now somebody’s wife.
  • Went onsite without any begging, pleading, threatening or other forms of passive-aggressive posturing from my side. #IamAwesome

Experience

  • Company: ABCD
  • Location: Software Capital of the Country
  • From Date: When Life stopped being fun and became a bitch
  • To Date: When that bitch called life bitch-slapped me left, right and centre
  • Designation: Aimless nomad wandering around cluelessly
  • Role: Adding SH to IT.

 Education

  • School: ABCD Central School, CBSE (2004) –Passed solely because they did not want me around for one more year
  • College: Graduated from the best college in God’s Own Country (2008). Bachelors in Mechanical Engineering & Masters in Procrastination and Cut-Copy-Paste
  • Future Plans: hahahahahahahahahahaha! ROFL. I barely passed school and college, what makes you think I want to undergo That torture again??

Personal Details

  • Date of Birth: The 3rd day of 1987. This is subject to change. For more details, please refer my Expertise, point #2.
  • Age: Really, you can’t get that from by Date of birth?? Ok then, physically, I look 20. Based on maturity, I range from 5 to 50. Carbon dating though, has pegged me at 24 years & 60 months.
  • Sex: Daily, in my dreams. And hopefully, in some girls dreams too.
  • Nationality: God’s Own Country. What? Kerala isn’t a country for you?? We got the damn Gelf, baby!!
  • Religious Belief: Atheist. I am sorry, but I can’t take seriously some dude that appears only on books and hasn’t been seen live by anyone, Ever!
  • Heroes & Role Models: I am a HUGE fan of Batman and Wolverine! Comic books are So realistic!
  • Relationship Status: Stuck in the one-way side road adjacent to the Express Highway of relationships and romance.
  • Marital Status: What part of my relationship status you just read above did you Not understand??
  • IQ: 137. You ordinary mortals can now officially call me a Genius! (so says the good folks at the legit looking site on the internet)
  • Sports: Cricket!! I love cricket and I have such a close relationship with some of the players that I always refer to their mothers and sisters in my conversations.
  • Passport Number: B00B13S. (Read it, and then read it again. Keep reading until you Get it)

Hobbies

  • Staying alive (not the song, literally!)
  • Not murdering people
  • Giving the middle finger
  • Having day dreams & nightmares
  • Fending off crazy chicks lusting after me
  • Watching po.. YouTube videos on how biology science works
  • Writing awesome blog posts
  • Forcing people to read the above mentioned blog posts (may involve the use of mild forms of blackmail)

All the information furnished above is true to the best of my knowledge, although my knowledge maybe questionable at this point considering the fact that I am inebriated….or am I high?? I really don’t know man. But what I do know is that if you are Still reading this, you are great. I must fold my hands and humbly bow down before your majestic awesomeness! You dear sir/madam is the epitome of patience and endurance. Either that or you had nothing better to do than read some random resume nonsense!

I also know one more thing, either you are a guy or you are a girl. Well, actually you can also be an animal who knows how to read or even a goddamn alien!! Anyway, whoever or whatever you are… “ssup bro? You got any job for me??”

And if you are a girl, “How You Doing??”  😉