The Share Auto Theory of Relativity: Chennai Edition


Last night, I had a torturous share-auto experience. However, it wasn’t the usual case of rash driving, over charging, rude passengers etc. This guy was driving so damn slow and it was making me and everyone else in that auto crazy! We were all looking at each other in exasperation. At one point, there was a dog on the side of the road that actually overtook us. And I swear, it had a smirk on its face as it passed us by; That son of a bitch!

I could have just stepped out and walked so that I can reach my place sooner. But I kept thinking this guy would pick up the pace. Unless there is something wrong with the vehicle, I can’t fathom any sane reason for anyone to be going That slow. But he didn’t pick up the pace and ever so slowly, the auto chugged along the road. My exasperation turned to a head scratching befuddlement which soon became a helpless chuckle. I then decided to catch up on some much needed sleep because honestly, what else could I do?

However, I got a brain wave; a new idea for my blog. Why don’t I jot down all the things that drive me crazy while waiting for a bus/auto? This should be fun. Thankfully, my daily commute is short and avoids perpetually congested traffic junctions. Even then, I am irritated enough to rant away here. And the more I thought about it, the more I realised that these observations are so universally true that they be regarded as postulates for a new theory ; the Share Auto Theory of Relativity. So without any further ado, ta da… 

  1. When you are waiting for a bus, almost always none will appear. But share autos will be available aplenty.
  2. Once you take a seat inside the share auto, a bus will magically appear. But as you step out to get in the bus, you will realise the bus is heavily crowded.
  3. Even in this heavily crowded bus, at least 10 people will get inside. This is achieved as a result of complex Mass Energy conversions occurring inside the bus. Random people get crushed resulting in energy getting released in the form of boiling tempers.
  4. You get back inside the auto and now you see a series of half empty buses pass you by. However, if you step out, they inexplicably become crowded again. Modern science has not been able to explain this phenomenon yet.
  5. Points 2, 3 & 4 repeat themselves in a loop depending upon your moral fortitude and self-control.
  6. The auto fills up slowly, excruciatingly slowly. Watching paint dry is generally considered a more exciting activity.
  7. 10 individuals and a driver squeeze into the auto stretching every law of physics. The concept of personal space becomes redundant.
  8. Once out on the road, these autos either crawl away to their destination or zig-zag their way through heavy traffic. And in both ways they are a traffic hazard!
  9. These autos are engineering marvels. Their ability to transport so many people while being barely held together by random rusted nuts & bolts has internationally acclaimed brands like Ferrari & BMW going green with envy.
  10. Share auto prices are sensitive to inflation. An oft-repeated conversation – “Sir, Rs 5 more, Govt increased prices.” “dai, Govt increased onion prices only, not diesel!”


Mrigank Warrier's Blog

Yes, you who revel in South Indian stereotypes. You who believe that we ‘Madrasis’ actually say ‘Yenna Rascalla’ out loud.

Read, and learn.

1. Geography: ‘South’ is a direction; Karnataka, Andhra Pradesh, Kerala and Tamil Nadu are states. Hubli is in Karnataka, Hooghly in Paschimbanga. Tirupati, Tirunelveli and Thiruvananthapuram are not baaju baaju mein. And Sri Lanka is more than a paddle-boat ride away.

2. Languages: ‘Andu-Gundu-Naaru-Gundu’ may have profound meaning in modern Haryanvi, but is gibberish in Kannada, Telugu, Malayalam, Tamil and Tulu. ‘South Indian’ is not a language – Tamilians will comprehend Telugu the day Mamtadidi spouts Gujarati. It kills me when you blurt out ‘Illay Illay Po’, and howl, as though what translates to ‘No No Go’ is somehow tremendously funny.

3. Pronunciations: Do not attempt to sing the Malayalam lines from ‘Jiya Jale’. Notice how even Lata Mangeshkar didn’t? Touch the tip…

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