An ‘Out Of Office’ Message To Remember

I am going on a vacation for a couple of weeks and I need a good Out Of Office message. I drafted one below and I think it should be fine. What do you think? 🙂

Thank you for your email. I am out of office currently and won’t be able to respond to your email. I probably won’t be reachable on the phone either. Why? Because I’m on a vacation. I MAY read your email, but try not to hold your breath; I Most probably won’t reply. In fact, I will ignore all of my incoming emails. Why? Because being on vacation, I’m likely to be relaxing on a beach or watching a movie or having fun with friends & family etc and reading official emails is compatible with none of those activities.

If the first two sentences wasn’t ‘satisfying’ enough for you and you actually read through the whole paragraph because it is inconceivable for you that anyone would take a day off, let alone go for a vacation Or you cannot believe that you are not getting an immediate reply to whatever insignificant query you have Or you have some weird excel sheet to fill up, only you don’t know how to do it, what the sheet does or why it even matters; well then, you should probably continue reading.

  • If your message is urgent, then leave it urgently.
  • In the event of an absolute emergency that requires my immediate attention, get in touch with my teammates; they know how to contact me.
  • If you are a teammate who doesn’t know how to contact me, then LOL! <<points and laughs>>
  • What is an “absolute emergency” you ask? Well they are the following: You are the Prime Minister (ROFL, scratch that!), You are Roger Federer or Sachin Tendulkar, You urgently want to give me 10 Crore Indian Rupees (1 Crore is also acceptable), You discovered that I am Batman and you have spotted Catwoman in the city (don’t worry, I will handle her)
  • Filling up the aforementioned weird Excel sheets is NOT an Absolute Emergency; in fact, it doesn’t even qualify as an emergency. Neither are Word documents that have more text in the form of column headings and indexing than actual info.
  • If you are calling to check if I have sent that email, then use your common sense. Or if you don’t have any, please use someone else’s. You haven’t got my email because I haven’t sent it! It’s not like the email was walking from my system to yours and in between stopped for a date with Angelina Jolie and then decided to sit through the entire Matrix Trilogy, again!
  • How to get my teammates to contact me? Compliment them. Tell them they look beautiful/handsome. However please use your discretion while complimenting; we just took a course on ‘Prevention of Sexual Harassment in Office’ and consequently silly misunderstandings can occur.
  • You can also Bribe them. Most fall easily for a Chicken Biriyani. Note: Bribery is illegal in India but you will be safe as long as you don’t use Towel, Sreeshanth, IPL, Bookie etc in your conversations.
  • If you can’t contact me even after multiple attempts, please don’t assume that I am dead, even if that assumption brings a lot of joy to a surprisingly huge number of people. This is very important as you don’t want news like this reaching the Payroll team (Because you need your salary to fund your electricity bills and internet connection to churn out masterpieces like this).

If you are Still reading this, I want to congratulate you for your patience. You are just wow man! Now please excuse me for a couple of minutes while I retreat to a corner and curse the living hell out of myself and bang my head on the wall.

Now that I am back and I see you haven’t left, let me be honest with you. In my opening sentence, I lied. No, I am not thankful for your email, I am not thankful at all. I hate the fact that you are clogging up my inbox with your silly pretentious mails and I have every intention of deleting each and every email that came into my inbox while I was away. However my professionalism disallows me from doing so and makes me actually read through each one. However, if I see that you have mailed me more than twice about the same mundane issue, then I will automatically assume you have nothing better to do and you will be immediately added to the ‘blocked’ list as well.

Well, that was fun. Hope you have a nice day. I know I will.

Thanks & Regards


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