20 Disclaimers You Should Be Aware Of

  1. This article is purely fictional and any resemblance to any real person, living or dead, is merely intentional and certainly not a coincidence. However, it can also be a figment of your imagination.
  2. This message is highly confidential and privileged. I am highly confident that it is your privilege to read this. Or maybe I am just high, I don’t know.
  3. This article is not intended to hurt anyone or any country. It is also not meant to hurt any state, district, city, municipality, village, town, residential association etc. Furthermore, any perceived offence to any religion, non-religion, political party/leader, government organisation, private organisation, IPL, nuclear reactor, road side tea stall etc is again, unintentional. So Shut the fuck up!
  4. It is also not the intention of this article to hurt any gender, transgender, non-gender. Note: If you don’t know your gender, please discontinue reading this article Immediately and consult a doctor instead. NOW!
  5. This message is meant for a certain target audience ONLY. If you did Not ask “how the fuck should I know that??”, then sadly, you are not a part of the target audience. Please stop reading and go back to your meaningless life. If you did ask that question, then congratulations, you are on the right track; please continue reading.
  6. If you are a heart patient, please stop reading immediately. I don’t want my article and/or myself to be the cause of your heart attack. I promised myself long ago that my English teacher would be the first and last such victim.
  7. Only the following sets of people are requested to read this further: Singles, in a relationship, just married (people in the middle of honeymoon are excused, obviously you have better things to do), married without kids, married with a kid, with 2 kids, with 3 kids, with 4 kids. Married with 5 kids? Ok Stop. For the love of humanity, use a Condom!
  8. If you are a beautiful girl, please follow the next three steps (step 2 is very important): a: Pause reading. b: Mail me your picture along with your phone number. c: Resume reading.
  9. If you have low self-esteem, no sense of humour and/or irrational religious beliefs, then you are not an intended recipient or you are just an idiot; probably both. Please stop reading and then destroy your computer, mobile, tablet, projector or whatever crap you are using to read this.
  10. If you are a rapist, please read this fully. And then read it again. And then read it one more time. And then read a million times more. Because any way to keep you morons off the streets is a small service to humanity in my humble opinion.
  11. Any views or opinions presented in this article are solely those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of his friends, parents, religion, country, state, city, company, colleagues, managers, favourite sportsperson/team, random annoying dude sitting next to him in the bus etc. It might be slightly influenced by his girlfriend. Ohh wait, he don’t have one!
  12. This article may or may not contain computer viruses as this article could have been intercepted, corrupted, lost, destroyed, arrived late, incomplete, stolen, exposed to pornography, survived a war, sat through some of the latest Bollywood releases or attended one of our team meetings.
  13. The author accepts no liability for any damage caused by any virus transmitted by this email. You should have installed a proper anti-virus, you moron!
  14. In order to prevent accidental loss of data, personal and/or sensitive, please avoid sharing details of your pointless life as they are as much value to me as a lecture on Theory of Special Relativity is to a man dying of dehydration. Or in other words, I don’t give a fuck about how You fucked up Your life!!
  15. For security measures, please strictly comply with the above step. Failure to do so might result in my fist making a sudden visit on your face. Accidently, of course!
  16. In light of the recent Spot Fixing scam, the Railway scam, Coal gate scam, Chopper scam, the general scam known as the government, IPL etc; I hereby state that I am not involved in any scam whatsoever, that I know of. However, if anyone is ready to make me obscenely rich, I am more than happy to join in this latest fad.
  17. I guaran-damn-tee that all of the above information is nowhere near the truth to the best of my limited knowledge and the utter lack of belief I have in humanity.
  18. No animals were harmed in the transmission of this article, although some human beings might get irrevocably damaged after reading this.
  19. This disclaimer disclaims the disclamation of its disclaimancy and anything else you want to be disclaimed.
  20. Kindly refrain from reading this article backwards, sideways, diagonally, standing on your head, peeing into the wind etc. Those conspiracy theorists have been lying to you, there is no hidden message here. This is just straight up, 100% butchering of the English language. Nothing more, nothing less.
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