Fellowship of the Ring: A half boiled Satirical review by a clueless first timer to the whole LOTR saga

aragon-funny

So my next masterpiece is a review that I actually wrote about a month back but never got around to publishing. It’s about one of the 3 LOTR movies. I have trouble remembering the names of the characters so I might have given them nicknames; don’t worry, you won’t get confused. Read on…..

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Today was the longest I sat down to watch the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Didn’t understand anything though, so many freaking characters. But I actually want to watch the whole trilogy at least once. I was having all these funny thoughts while watching the film today so I thought of jotting them down.

I will jump right in, I don’t know how much after the beginning this is though. I start with the scene where Frodo and his friends are climbing up a mountain in the middle of the night. Ok, it was not a mountain, but something with a flat surface at the top. The reason why they are doing so is because they are fleeing from some kind of evil thing. The afore-mentioned evilness is following them because they saw the camp fire lit by the 3 guys while Frodo was sleeping. Frodo promptly wakes up and puts out the fire warning someone might see them. And on cue, we are shown some black thing fast approaching them. I understood later that these 3 guys are supposed to be his protectors/keep him company/friends or something like that. Well, they didn’t do such a great job that time; you would think at least one of the 3 would have realized that lighting a fire when you are being chased is not the greatest idea in the world.

Anyway they climb up to the top and then some strange dudes wearing pitch black robes and wielding swords attack the four who I realize then, are surprisingly short, probably one of the reasons they are running away and not fighting. Anyway we can’t see the faces of the attackers. One of them corners Frodo who just falls down and is understandably scared, even though he puts on a ring that is supposedly magical (don’t worry, the scene won’t let you believe otherwise). But then I understood the real reason why he is so scared for we are shown the face of the attacker. It is hideous to say the least, no wonder he was covering it up in a ridiculously loose robe for a warrior! I guess even he himself was scared of seeing his own face.

Frodo then disappears but is still poked by the Mr hideous (because if he can see through that robe he can certainly see an invisible guy, an invisible guy who doesn’t bother moving his ass even after turning invisible!). But the good guy (obviously) can’t die yet, because picture abhi bhi baaki hai, bhai! So this unshaven guy come out of nowhere, brandishing 2 swords; one set alight on fire to boot and easily beats back the 6 or 7 black dudes. No, I am not going to comment on this because I have seen too many Vijaykanth & Rajnikanth fights to be bothered with this one.

So Frodo looks like he is in deep shit, apparently the sword that wounded him was poisonous (of course it was, didn’t you see that dude’s face??!!) and the only way to save him is to carry him hundreds of miles though enemy territory and give him some random flower medicine. Lol, these western fables should learn from us; in Ramayana, we had Hanuman go halfway up the hemisphere and bring back a whole goddamn mountain! Yeah, beat that LOTR!

So anyway there they are and that girl from Armageddon shows up and speaks gibberish with unshaven dude and carries off with Frodo on her horse. They are prompting intercepted by more baddies. Why is it the good guys always travel in small groups but the bad guys bring the whole damn army?!?! More gibberish from her and voila, river horses appear out of nowhere and run down the baddies! Whoa, what now?!?!?!! Okaaay.

At this stage I am confused and hungry. Since Armageddon girl is too bright and its hurting my eyes, I went to have my dinner. I don’t know if I missed anything but does it really matter? Next I see is a bunch of people discussing or arguing or making random faces amidst all the noise. I see that Magneto has grown disillusioned about his defeat to X men and has refused to shave since. Will Turner from the Pirates is also here, all clean shaven & bright (looks like he got a nice deal from Gillette). Ohh, look there is Agent Smith. Unshaven dude is also back but he now has a neat French beard. Wait no, it’s back to unshaven! No French…whoa, there are 2 guys now; Unshaven & French! Brothers, I guess.

So all the racket was about a ring, Frodo volunteers (I have no freaking idea what for though!). Suddenly there are nine guys ready to go; huh, if they are all willing to go, then what the fuck were they arguing about in the first place?? And isn’t there a barber shop anywhere in this place, none of these guys look like they have got a hair cut in like Ever!!

So off they go, trekking through a mountain and promptly there is an avalanche which is apparently caused by some Magneto wannabe lookalike! Crazy Viking guy comes up with the idea of going under the mountain, through some mines. Dude, don’t you read the news? Only bad things happen in mines! Magneto isn’t thrilled, see he reads the papers.

They take a pit stop and Magneto offers some sagely advice to Frodo. Well he better, he is old as hell, if he doesn’t have pearls of wisdom, what the fuck is he doing there? Then some Octopus-on-steroids attack them but they escape, no biggie. Next they are attacked by some ugly looking dudes followed by an even more uglier giant (as if it could get any uglier!). Ugly Giant is taken down but not before it spears Frodo. But Frodo doesn’t die, because remember, picture abhi bhi baaki hai, boss!

They proceed towards some bridge (of course it has to be some old broke-ass bridge, because normal roads are just too easy). They are about to be attacked by a million little uglies when they all get scared off by, wait for it, some orange light. I swear, I am Not making this Shit up! They all run towards the bridge which is of course broken and they have to take a leap of faith or based on faith, whatever; point is, they jump! All except ol’Magneto, who then screams “Thou shall not pass”. (hey, that’s what my Hindi teacher told me back in school). Next I see a typical interpretation of a devil/demon; all fire, goat face, horns and stuff. Shit happens and the crazy demon falls to never land. I am assuming its a never ending fall or something like that because if it is like just a 10 storeys fall, it will get up right? I mean, its a goddamn demon for crying out loud! Anyway Magneto turns his back on the falling Devil who promptly throws a lasso that catches Magneto by the leg causing him to fall into whatever miserable fate he plunged Goat Face into. You would think the old man would have learnt by now that you never ever turn your back on your enemy! Wasn’t he defeated just like this the last we saw of him in Xmen, attacked from behind? In his own words “You never learn, do you??”

After this, I am not sure what happened (lol, as if I am perfectly clear what happened till now). They go to some Queen who looks like Armageddon girl’s sister or mother, let’s call her Armagedomom. She somehow uses the ring to try on a new look; a black dress and an emo look. No honey, white suits you much better; her mortified look says she agrees with me. She babbles about someone cheating Frodo. Apparently both know who it is but they don’t reveal; suspense baby, suspense!

Next, I see French dude going crazy and after Frodo who then puts on the ring and disappears. French dude has an emotional break down while Frodo somehow ends up staring at a fiery giant eye. Careful dude, it might be the mother of conjunctivitis, look away bro. Ohh good, it was just a bad dream, because he wakes up back in the field/ground/forest/random place.

Then I see French dude dying and babbling something to Unshaven dude. Now, I don’t remember the exact stuff they said (not that I really bothered to listen to begin with) but here is the gist:

French dude: I am sick of this shit, bro. I am leaving. Peace out!

Unshaven dude: dafaq dude! Don’t leave me here, these kids are crazy! Take me with you, dude! Dude, you dead? Ohh shit!

Frodo takes this hard and leaves on a boat, because leaving is always the answer. Shortie #1 comes running up and tries to swim towards the boat. Bad idea dude because “you can’t swim” screams Frodo. That explains why shortie was sinking; I just thought it was because he had an extra few pounds on him, my bad.

That’s the last I saw of the movie. I think that was the last scene anyway. I should really sit and watch the whole trilogy, it will be real fun!

Now even though I haven’t seen even a single part of this trilogy in its entirety, I think I am getting the general story or at least the sentiment of the author when he wrote this. In the movie, I think it’s about everyone trying to destroy a ring that supposedly brings only bad things to anyone who possesses it. What I think actually happened is that the guy who wrote this got married too fast and to the wrong girl. And now everyday he wakes up, he sees the ring and it serves as a constant reminder of his miserable life. He promptly smokes some weed and escapes into a land of magical mountains, lush forests, vast plains, open seas all inhabited by 4 shorties, unshaven giant wizard, unshaven short Viking, unshaven regular sized guy, another unshaven…seriously, why the fuck doesn’t anyone shave or cut their hair here??!! Ohh ok my bad, there are actually some clean shaven white people here, who apparently use too much Ujala on their whites-only wardrobes! And did I mention there are so many random ugly creatures here?! I am wondering how the designers were told to create these things… probably went like this “you there, yes, you! Stop looking behind; I am talking to you only! I need you to create a creature, make it as bizarre as possible & give me the shittiest design possible!”

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