The Hobbit review from a clueless, wide eyed perspective.


I started off the New Year by watching The Hobbit. My friend said this movie is so good that one needs to watch it in a theatre. So I thought I will give it a shot, even though I have not read the original source material and the solitary Lord of the Rings movie I watched left me more confused than enlightened about the whole saga, although I must say the visuals were undeniably spectacular. I went in to watch the movie having absolutely no expectations what so ever simply because I actually had no idea what to expect, except maybe that I won’t understand much of the story or the numerous characters.

After watching the movie, I was able to identify myself with this Hobbit guy. Whatever he was feeling during the movie mirrored my sentiment exactly. Initially he was like “who the hell are all these people?!” Later on he is enthralled by what he sees but equally flabbergasted by what goes on around him; “what the fuck is going on here?!?!” Exactly my thoughts!

While I was able to identify with him, I just don’t remember his name. It is something like Bilbao, I think (hey, isn’t that the name of a Spanish football club? Yes? No? Ok). I am really bad with names as you will soon get to know. Why can’t they stick to with simple names like Tom, Jim etc? It would have made my life much easier!

Okay then, the movie starts with an old guy reminiscing about his past which requires a lead-in story about a kingdom of people (Dwarves actually) who apparently don’t shave or cut their hair. Seriously, every single one of them would look the same if they didn’t braid their hair & beard in different styles. So this kingdom is peaceful and prosperous and their king is filthy rich! The king’s palace is actually carved inside the mountain and it looks great especially the part where they show all the gold. Makes you wonder if there is actually that much gold in entire world. Anyway, the king and his kin have similar names, all beginning with Thor I believe; Thoror, Thorin, Thorthis, Thorthat, Thorwhatever or something like that.

The king is shown getting greedy or as they told, consumed by a sickness. Who wouldn’t, didn’t you see the size of this treasure?? So you would think this guy would go out and do something stupid because of all his greed to get even more filthy rich, that’s how it works right? No, not this time, because a Dragon comes out and destroys everything! Yeah! Talk about plot twist! You would think with all that wealth, these guys would come up with a dragon detecting mechanism or dragon defence item but apparently not; they were utterly, hilariously ill-equipped to deal with all this. But then again, they didn’t even come up with a way to shave so Dragon defence might have been way over their heads. Seriously, this uncut, unkempt style really bothers me, won’t it itch or anything? Do you think they use some special shampoo or something??

Back ground story is done with and now we are shown the Hobbit’s flashbacks. Gandalf enters and promptly lists out all the possible meaning of a simple ‘good morning’ phrase; pompous old man! Next, we see a bunch of Dwarves coming over to the Hobbit’s house to have dinner, more like gate crashing though. I am astounded at the insane amounts of food coming out of the kitchen; they are all different and look delicious. At this point, it doesn’t help that the dude sitting next to me is munching on his pop corn and it sounds like Diwali inside his mouth. Gandalf also enters and the house is clearly too small for him, but hey why pass up on a free meal right?

So I later learn that he is actually Gandalf, the Grey, obviously for his big grey beard. A quick question here, and a genuine one at that; was he called Gandalf, the Black when he was younger?

And then the last Dwarf enters. He clearly has no sense of humour, although the other Dwarves appear to have no sense whatsoever! They blabber on about some nonsense and finally they tell the Hobbit that he should join them as the burglar. It’s a big deal too as they have written out the Terms & Conditions. But it is laughable as stuff like “you will be incinerated”, “we are not responsible for your safety”, “you might die” are All screaming for him to say no! He says yes anyway but only after getting a good night’s sleep. In between, these guys sing a haunting song in a really deep voice (well, what else you expect from a bunch of unshaven men?!)

So off they all go, to some random place to do something or reclaim something….I don’t know, I might have fallen asleep! There is a war between the dwarves and some ugly things called, Orcs. They are lead by a pale giant Orc that beheads old Thor but then new Thor promptly comes up and slices off pale giants arm. Ahh yes, an arm for a head, the golden rule of war! They go on and encounter three giant ugly things called Trolls. The Dwarves say the Trolls are stupid, and then get themselves captured by them! All 13 of them captured by just 3, supposedly stupid Trolls! Pot kettle anyone?!

The Hobbit stalls their eminent death by talking to the trolls and then Gandalf makes the save by exposing the trolls to sunlight which turns them to stone (I have no idea why & how). Gandalf needn’t have bothered, he could have let hobbit continue talking and bore the trolls to death, along with me!

Then we see yet another guy who doesn’t shave! To help us differentiate, this guy has bird poop on his head. There is some black magic nonsense and we see a strange black ghost, which was actually cool but is never shown again! They all get attacked by the ugly Orcs from before but this time they have equally ugly looking giant dogs! Seriously, why all this stereotyping?! Why are all the villains ugly? I read that Brad Pitt wanted to play a villain in this movie but was turned down saying they couldn’t make him ugly even with all the modern CGI effects! Too bad! Actually, I thought these things couldn’t get any more repulsive; boy was I wrong!

Anyway, they find a shortcut and escape all the uglies and end up in another kingdom. In this kingdom, everyone shaves, thankfully! They are called Elves and they all have long, straight hair. I know their secret; Garnier Long & Strong right?! Agent Smith makes his return as the leader of the Elves. More talking ensues, and it looks like New Thor and Agent Smith have a cold war going on. I am guessing it’s about a girl, (from time immemorial, it’s always about a girl, right?). However, I haven’t seen a single female character so far in this movie. Maybe if these guys shaved and cut their hair, some women might actually turn up!

Gandalf talks to Agent Smith alone, but not for long. A Blondie joins in first followed by Grandfather White. More talking (enough already)! Blondie and Gandalf whisper sweet nothings. The Dwarves head out and encounter, get this, stone giants that come out of the mountain. Yep! But these giants attack each other so damn slowly that I think I fell asleep in between! The Dwarves could have just walked away but they just stand there screaming like babies. They somehow escape miraculously (again) dodging flying stones and falling down rocks with barely any signs of injury. How is that possible?? Sometimes I am just walking leisurely and somehow I injure myself! How can these guys go through hell like this and hardly have a scratch to show for it?! Even Rajnikanth cannot do this! This isn’t a realistic movie at all and ….ohh wait, okay, moving on.

They then get captured by Goblins. They look like those Orcs, I have no idea what’s the difference. Somehow, inexplicably Hobbit manages to escape (Did I mention the villains are stupid?) and then equally inexplicably manages to fall into some cave and passes out! The Dwarves are taken to the Goblins leader, a hideously grotesque giant. He is so ugly that the guy who drew him up for the movie would have vomited at least once! More blabbering and then Giant Ugly sees a sword that he recognizes with horror as the ‘Goblin Slayer’. Of course, what else can it be? I don’t think a mouse slicer would have had the same effect! The Goblins all attack the Dwarves. Gandalf once again comes up with the save. He is great and all to come up with these saves repeatedly, but it begs the simple question, where the fuck was he when the Dwarves were getting captured and attacked in the first place?!?!

Then the spectacular fight sequence begins; only that it’s more of running away and dodging than a fight and it really isn’t that spectacular but compared to the pace of the movie till then, it was great and much needed. Everything is complicated because of a seeming endless 3 dimensional maze of rope bridges and a million goblins who just keep on coming!

Meanwhile, hobbit wakes up from his beauty sleep to encounter another strange creature, the Gollum. This guy seems to be suffering from the dual personality syndrome and he has what appears to be an engagement ring (of course, I might be wrong!). I really can’t make out what this Gollum is saying, Bane from Dark Knight Rises was far better. Instead of just picking the Gollum up by his neck and slapping some sense into him, Hobbit decides to play a game of riddles with him. Thankfully they didn’t include me because I did not get a single one right! The tie breaker question comes up and the Gollum cant crack the Hobbit’s riddle until he realises his engagement ring was stolen. Seriously, not cool bro! Gollum flips out and understandably so; that ring was his last chance to get a female because he is not blessed in the looks department, or the body department, or the good clothes department, or the personality department! It wouldn’t have mattered anyway since apparently, there is no woman left in the planet! Well, there is Blondie, but come on, she is way above Gollum’s league; he would have no chance in hell of landing Blondie!

So Gollum chases Hobbit even though the latter has a sword. It doesn’t make much sense why Hobbit is running away but then again, neither has anything else in this movie. Hobbit decides it is easier to wear the ring instead of carrying it and voila, he disappears! See, I was wrong about the ring, its magical! They all escape and are out of the mountain. The get-together is cut short when the Orcs lead by the Pale Giant attacks. At this very moment Gandalf exclaims “out of the frying pan and into the fire”. Really, you people use frying pans yet don’t have anything to shave and cut your hair?? Are you fucking freaking kidding me!?!?!!

They have nowhere to go as they are at the edge of the cliff and someone has the bright ass idea of climbing up the trees. But i half expected the villains to think that these guys escaped when they didn’t see them on the ground; you know because of the whole villains are stupid and stuff. But don’t worry, Pale Giant orders his dogs to attack the trees to bring them down. The dwarves manage to set fire to some dry fruit that was conveniently available on the trees and throw them down creating a barrier of fire to protect themselves from the rabid ugly dogs. It works  but then the tree can’t take their combined weight anymore and starts falling right over the edge of the cliff for added inconvenience. New Thor sees Pale Giant and goes off to fight him leaving his friends behind who are literally hanging by a branch and stick! Did I say villains are stupid? I take that back, just about everyone in this movie are stupid! New Thor takes on Pale Giant and his giant ugly dog and is easily defeated; it not even a contest! As he is about to be beheaded, Hobbit makes the save. Then as Hobbit is about to be killed, the rest of the Dwarves come and attack the Orcs. They are hopelessly outnumbered and so to even the odds, giant eagles turn up. I swear, I am not making this up. I am just sitting there, wondering “what the fuck is going on here?!?!” The eagles throw the dogs over the cliff and then transport the men over to another mountain top. Yep, you read that right!

They safely reunited Dwarves, Gandalf and Hobbit look over to the mountain where they are supposed to get to as we see the Dragon waking up with an insanely close-up view of its eye. It was really an eye-opening event, seriously!

The movie ends. To conclude, it is obvious that I have understood zilch about this movie but the truth is, at the end, I really wanted to know what was going to happen next; when are they going to get to the mountain and what are they going to do about the Dragon. I guess, if you ask these questions and look forward to the next instalment then this movie is a winner. My friends tell me to read the books to understand the whole thing. But I say no to that; firstly because I was never keen on reading much, even for my University exams I didn’t do much reading! Secondly, I don’t want to understand the story, I want to draw my own hilarious conclusion to each and every scene. These LOTR & Hobbit guys think they are creative and full of imagination, wait till they get a load of my highly personalized thoughts!!


One thought on “The Hobbit review from a clueless, wide eyed perspective.

  1. If watching a movie warrants a book read just to understand the movie, then I would label it as the failure of the motion picture as a medium to tell that story.

    Hilarious stuff dude. Keep them coming.

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